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Now that was funny!!!!
 

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Here's the latest headline out of NYC,...

Kid Lin Lin-napped in Miami,.....did you get it :facepalm:
 

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Nobody should take any offense (that usually means that something is about to be said that's offensive ::))

Georgia

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."





Louisiana


A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ."

When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world."



Mississippi

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"

The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license plate number."



North Carolina

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, "I got a flat tahr."

The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."



Tennessee

A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"

The driver replied, "Bout whut?"



Texas

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."

"Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.'



Y'all kin say whut y'all want 'about the South, but y'all never heard o' nobody retirin' an' movin' North "
 

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This says it all...about getting older & the whole aging thing.


An elderly couple are attending church services..

About halfway through, she writes a note and hands it to her husband.

It says, "I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"

He scribbles back, " Put a new battery in your hearing aid ."
 

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Just in time for Easter. ;)


A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit.

The basket of eggs went flying all over the place. Candy, too.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead.

The driver felt guilty and began to cry.

A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over.

She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter for the children because me. What should I do? "

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do.

She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.

Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road.

Fifty yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road. Then in another 50 yards, he turned, waved hopped and did it again in another 50 yards!

The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what could possibly be in that woman's spray can.

He said to the woman, "What in heaven's name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?"

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.

It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."
 

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Discussion Starter #567
I was in a pub on Saturday night. Had a few....

I noticed two large women by the bar.

They both had strong accents so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from
Scotland?"

One of them chirped: "It's WALES you idiot!"

So, I immediately apologized and said..., "Sorry, are you two whales
from Scotland ?"

That's the last thing I remember..........
 

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Now that was funny!!
 

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Not new, but a friend sent this to me today:


It Can be Hard Keeping a Straight Face as a COURT REPORTER

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________


ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________


ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
(My Favorite)
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid.
____________________________________________
(Another favorite)
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death?
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them... The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________


And last:
(Well OK, this is the best)
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No?
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
 

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A man had two of the best tickets for the Masters. As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him..

"No", he says, "the seat is empty.

"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this, the biggest golfing event of the whole world, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Masters we haven't been together since we got married."

"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else?..
a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head.... " No. They're all at her funeral. "
 

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Bertha and Betty

Two 90-year-old women, Bertha and Betty, had been friends all of their lives.

When it was clear that Bertha was dying, Betty visited her every day.

One day Betty said, "Bertha, we both loved playing softball all our lives, and we played all through high school. Please do me one favor: when you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there."

Bertha looked up at Betty from her deathbed and said, "Betty, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you."

Shortly after that, Bertha died.

A few nights later, Betty was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, "Betty, Betty.."

"Who is it," asked Betty, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Betty -- it's me, Bertha."

"You're not Bertha. Bertha just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Bertha," insisted the voice.

"Bertha! Where are you?"

"In heaven," replied Bertha. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," said Betty.

"The good news," Bertha said with joy and enthusiasm, "is that there's women's softball in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before me are here, too. Even better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always Springtimeand it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.."

"That's fantastic," said Betty. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?"

"You're pitching Tuesday."
-------
Life is uncertain - Eat dessert first!!!
 

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HAPPY MOTHERS DAY! to all moms!

When me prayers were poorly said
who tucked me in me widdle bed
and spanked me till me ass was red,
Me Mudder!

Who took me from me cozy cot
and put me on the ice cold pot
and made me pee when I could not,
Me Mudder!

And when the morning light would come
and in me crib me dribbled some
who wiped me tiny widdle bum,
Me Mudder!

Who would me hair so neatly part
and hug me gently to her heart
who sometimes squeezed me till me fart,
Me Mudder!

Who looked at me with eyebrows knit
and nearly have a king size fit
when in me Sunday pants me shit,
Me Mudder!

When at night her bed did squeak
me raised me head to have a peek
who yelled at me to go to sleep,
Me Fadder!
 

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Five Horses Is Her Name
This is mythical and deep.

Truly beautiful...

A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.

He replied, "She is called Five Horses".


The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife.
What does it mean?"

The Old Indian answered,
"It old Indian Name. It mean...



NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!
 

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Discussion Starter #574
God created Pennsylvania


God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him resting on the seventh day..

He inquired, "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things."

God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"

"That's Pennsylvania, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from Pennsylvania are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace and producers of good things."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God smiled, "Not very far from Pennsylvania is Washington DC . Wait till you see the idiots I put there."
 

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Discussion Starter #578
To take your mind off car problems, here are some questions posed by someone on another social media site. It might be interesting to see responses from the "thinking" members of this site. I might take your answers back to the other site to see what the questioner and other respondents think of your answers. Here are the premise and following questions:

There is a term called "Serial Monogamy." This is when a person is in multiple, long-term relationships.(Note: NOT existing at the same time and does not equate to marriage [that's polygamy].)
1. If a person believes in reincarnation...does that mean they are engaged in multiple, long-term relationships with life?
2. Are they serial monogamist's with the Universe?
3. Would that be classified as a commitment phobia?

I'll get the ball rolling. Here are my answers:

1. All depends on the reincarnation and any changes to the energy of your soul. If you come back as something like a Canada Goose - yes; if you're reincarnated as a dog - no.
2. Probably. Especially if you believe other life exists elsewhere, or you think everyone has another self on the opposite side of the Sun.
3. It could be the antithesis of a phobia, more like an addiction. Then again, it could be a phobia to committing to one's self and needing the reliance (or alliance) of one 'other.' Change would come about when that 'other' fails you for some reason and you must seek a new one because you're afraid of being alone.
 

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Discussion Starter #580
GeorgeC said:
Link is not working this morning.
It isn't the only link on the forum that's broken. Not real surprising since it's about 6 years old. :shrug:
 
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